In my twenty five years of life I have never felt like I was a burden on anyone... Until now. This is by no means brought on by comments of others, it is brought on by my always over-analyzing self. Those who know me best know that I tend to WAY over-think EVERYTHING. It's what I do. I have no way of turning it off. I've tried. I just don't know how. It's sometimes a good thing though. I tend to randomly zone out, and when I do, I'm thinking. I'm always thinking. I also tend to stress cause of my thinking. A LOT. I once had a massage therapist tell me I was too stressed to be my age. Sorry. If you can turn it off, please do. Don't give me information if you don't want me to worry about it.
Anyhow, back on the being a burden thing. I can't go take care of anything that needs to be taken care of on my own. I know I have talked about this before, but just bear with me. (I'll say it like I did in my first post, if you don't like it find the "X" in the corner. This is my blog.) If I need to grab something from the store, I have to either wait until Eric gets home (and this means he has worked 8+ hours in the icky sticky heat), or I have to find someone to take me. I can't just go "Oh, we need sugar, let me go get some..." or go grab a missing ingredient for dinner.... I can't run and take care of an errand, I can't take myself to the freaking doctor. I have to wait. Then I have to make whoever it is take time out of their day to sit in a doctor's office when they don't have to. In the case of my husband, it's taking time out of his off day(s) to do so. Right now, he's the person I want to go with me to said doctor so that he can explain my seizures cause he is the only person to have witnessed them. So I have officially become a burden on him. It's not fair. He didn't sign up for this. When he signed on, I was healthy, a little crazy, but healthy. Yeah, yeah... I know what those of you who are reading this are thinking... Part of his vows on our wedding day stated "In sickness and in health"... I will just say I did an eye roll to this. I feel guilty. Yes, that's it. Guilty. He didn't sign up to wake up with every move his wife made in her sleep afraid that she's having a seizure. He didn't sign up to have a wife that complains of a headache every damn day. He certainly didn't sign up to have a wife who most days would rather shoot herself in the foot than get up and cook him a decent dinner cause of said headache, though most days I make myself deal... The woman he signed up to be with took care of him... She loved cooking, not the clean-up of the cooking so much, but made sure he had food cooked. The woman he signed up to be with didn't have anger issues. I know, just control it, you say. I have two nice long extended middle fingers for those who say that.
Have you ever had a headache every single day for a month that NOTHING would help? Have you had to try to fight yourself on getting onto your two beautiful daughters who are doing nothing but normal playing cause you're head is killing you for more than one day at a time? Add to that not sleeping normally cause most nights you're laying there fighting the urge to move cause of some stupid tingling sensation, hoping, praying, that when you give in, you don't wake up a husband that has to work the next day. Even more fun is throwing into that mix a medicine that controls your seizures, or so you're told (I'm very seriously starting to think this tingling crap is some form of a seizure.), but makes you irritable. So most of the time you're fighting the urge to be mad over stupid crap in the first place, and when you finally do burst, it's worse than it should be. When you have all of the above circumstances going on and don't have anger issues, call me. I want to know how you do it. I have read in plenty of forums about this lovely Keppra and people on it having anger issues. At first I thought they were crazy, however now that I have been on this medicine for about a month, I see why. I don't know if any of them have any of the same issues as I'm having. But if you add enough stress to this crap, I can definitely see it. I don't see how there hasn't been some issue of someone going homicidal taking this crap... No, I don't plan to kill anyone. (Not yet anyway... TOTALLY JOKING THERE.)
At any rate, I know that dealing with everything on the other end of things has got to be frustrating. I wouldn't blame him if he walked away. Not a bit. Some of you I know are going "You waited patiently for two years after he signed up for the guard, are you nuts?" We got to discuss whether or not that was going to happen. This is something that he had no say in, no choice. I hate feeling the guilt that I do. Honey, if you read this, I hope you know that I love you more than words can or ever would possibly be able to say. You deserve so much more.
Then we have my poor mother who has her own things she has to deal with who takes time out of her day to take me back and forth to work since Eric is working during these times. If you're reading this, I hope that you know I appreciate it more than you know. Plus she has taken my happy butt thirty minutes away and sat at one doctor's office with me, and that was apparently a huge flipping waste of time. That doctor is not worth the gas we used to drive to see her. Grr... And she had a part in babysitting me my first weekend on this wonderful medicine when I was dead to the world... AKA she watched the babies for us since Eric was at drill and I slept the majority of the time...
Speaking of that weekend, I must also take the time to thank my mother-in-law... First and foremost for not killing my husband in his teenage years so that I now have the wonderful husband I do taking care of me today... And secondly for babysitting my hiney while my mom had to work that weekend.
I also thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to listen to me whine about all this crap personally, or even by reading this blog...
You see? I have slowly become a burden on so many people. I hate feeling that way. It's a horrible feeling, and I wish my brain would quit overthinking this crap like it does... I know that this blog is a lot of horrible blah jumble, but it's what's going on in my head and I have to get it out. Maybe getting it out will get my mind to stop tossing it around up there, and in turn, ease the headache... It's been pretty bad the past few days. Hoping that I find the umph to get it together, I've got work tomorrow, and me working Thursday feeling like this didn't really go so well.
Hope that things on your end of the world are going better than mine. Love to all....
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