Random thoughts...

This will be another blog to just get random thoughts out of my always thinking brain. Sorry if you find it random, but that's the way my brain works, random, just ask my husband, mom, sister, or brother. They would tell you in a minute I'm a bit random... However, here we go...

First off, I want to start with a post that is aimed at one certain person, a person that I doubt will ever read this post, and if they do, they will probably never think that it is aimed at them. People need to learn to take responsibility for their actions. Heck, if you do something and it's wrong, be man/woman enough to go "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry." Something that simple can fix things. Don't go blaming someone else cause you messed up. It's not the other person's fault, it's your own. You did it. You fix it. Don't wander around life thinking that you did nothing wrong and that someone else is to blame. Simple as that. Want to know if maybe it was you and not that other person? Ask. I'd rather ask and look like an idiot than walk around thinking it's all someone else and I'm innocent and look like a bigger idiot. That stuff just gets on my nerves. Everyone messes up in life. Everyone. If we didn't, we wouldn't be human. Be the bigger person.

Second, I want to talk about another random thing. My oldest daughter will be five in November. She's making me old. It doesn't seem like that long ago that I was pregnant and wondering whether we'd have a boy or girl and picking out baby names... To think five years ago at this time I was only five weeks from having my baby prematurely and going through one of the biggest challenges I have had to face to date. I know that I haven't had a whole crap ton of bad things happen to me in life, but her being in the NICU an hour from home for the first eight weeks of her life was pretty freakin rough. Don't agree? You try being a first time mom to a baby that almost fits perfectly in your hand from fingertip to the end of your palm where you go home without her and spend the next eight weeks going back and forth between home and the hospital every day. I think of those eight weeks, I might've missed two days. I worked part-time, Eric worked full-time, we took care of home, but my butt was still there. I woke up every morning and called to check on her before going to see her, I called again every night to check on her before I went to sleep.

Which leads me to my next random rant... Everyone has crap that has happened to them in their past. Everyone. Not everyone has it as bad as the next person, but everyone has their own obstacles they have to face in life. You still have to learn how to deal with those things. You can't hold onto that as a crutch and say that's your reason for not going further. So what if you went through some stuff? That stuff isn't what makes you who you are. You make you who you are. You decide what your actions are going to be. You decide how you're going to cope with the things you're going through. If you can't learn to cope with it, there are a million people in the world, reach out for help, cause chances are, someone knows someone who can either help you or help you get help. You don't have an excuse. People who don't see what they have to live for annoy the hell out of me. It all goes back to that accepting responsibility for your actions thing. If you messed up and you apologize, then you leave it in the other person's hands. Let them decide whether they're going to forgive you. Are they big enough to do that? If they aren't that's their deal, at least you owned up to your mistake.

Okay, well, I've used play time to write this post, so a very quick update and then it's time to get girlies a nap... Since quitting Ruby Tuesday, my headaches have pretty much disappeared. The few that I have had have been so mild it doesn't bother me. The night before last I did the shaking in my sleep thing again, but other than that, nothing really to complain about. I have started to get Halloween decorations up (for those of you that don't know, I love going all out for holidays...) which makes me excited, and I'm back to doing my crafty things and baking, two things that I LOVE! Overall, things are looking up for this girl. Hope that all is well for you!! Love to all...

Figuring things out...

Once again, I've gone without posting for a bit. I wound up taking last weekend off work, and due to some circumstances, I haven't really been hanging out either. You guessed it, my headaches eased way off, and I was feeling great. Then I worked Monday... which made it a little worse. After two months of deliberating and Eric telling me to quit and get rid of that stress, I finally did. I am certainly hoping that this will make life a bit easier for me. I'm hoping that things will be under control by the time that spring semester rolls around for school, but I've also realized that I may just have to wait for summer or fall semester before I can think about that option... I can't drive until February and with Eric working, I wouldn't exactly have a way to get to class. This seems to be a never ending cycle for me.

The past few days I've been a little grumpy... Eric would probably say a lot grumpy... With me only working once since last Monday (the 3rd), and my only outings being to the grocery store, I'm going a little bit stir crazy... My serger is on the fritz and I don't have enough hot glue sticks to work on any of my other projects right now, so I don't have my crafts to distract me right now... Not driving is driving me crazy right now. Then again, when is it not?

I was going to post the other day about 9/11, but wound up not doing it... See, for me, 9/11 has changed my life twice... Once for obvious reasons... I remember sitting in my first period 9th grade history class when the principal came in and pulled the teacher into the hall and told him what was happening. He came in and told us he was turning on the tv cause what was happening was history in the making. The most recent change it brought was me having my first seizure in the wee hours of that day three years ago. I am thankful that I didn't have seizures (or maybe I should say noticeable seizures) before that. I think had I have had them before then, I might not be blessed with my beautiful babies. I honestly don't know that I would've ever even considered having kids knowing that I might have passed on the uncertainty of something like epilepsy. I just hope that they never develop it. I am going to go now, before I go off on that tangent. Love to all...

Getting there...

Well, it's been a little while since I last posted. I took a time-out from lots of things since I last blogged.  It did me some good. I am not quite as cranky since my last post, at least for the most part... My headaches are still here, but that's something I can deal with I suppose. Let's get you all caught up on what's going on with (and in) my head now...

Let's start with my number one complaint, headaches. My headache eventually hit migraine strength a day or two after my last post. It made me sick to my stomach. So, I took a time-out. I reverted to the me who stayed inside the apartment and didn't socialize with the neighbors... After my migraine strength headache, it eased up, after my time-out, it went back to the just enough to be annoying stage... I was off for a couple days, too. Then, I went back to socializing and back to work, now my headache is back to the painful stage... I am going to have to figure out if it's my social life or my job that is killing my head. Whichever one it is, I'm going to have to get rid of it. At least until someone can get my headache gone. I suppose this is the point where some of you are telling me in your head that I should find some different friends. It's not necessarily the friends, it's the me worrying about said friends. Everyone goes through slumps, and unfortunately someone I hang out with often is currently in a slump. However, I may have to take myself out of it until I find a doctor worth a flip... I just can't keep having my headache get this bad...

My tingles haven't been quite so bad since my headaches have reached this point. So at least one thing is looking up... I don't know if this is good or bad though... My shoulder still feels funny at times, and so does my elbow, but I haven't been having my tingles every night at least. I have, however, been kicked to the couch once since my last post... We went to bed one night and every time I fell asleep, I would start shaking. Eric said that I wasn't seizing, just shaking. Which is kind of scary, but at least if it was a seizure, it wasn't a grand mal seizure...

My anger issues also decreased with my time-out. Don't get me wrong, I still get mad way quicker than I used to, but I don't go around pretty much wanting someone to set me off so that I can go RAWR!!!! I am slowly getting back to somewhat normal me. Maybe the normal happy-go-lucky me isn't too far away, hopefully I'm starting to catch back up to her, or bring her out of hiding, whichever way she went. Either way, I'm working on it...

It has officially been one month since my last known seizure (I really need to get into a  neurologist and  get me and Eric better educated about these things so that we know if I'm having one with my other strange behaviors...) and I'm pretty pumped about it. The longer I go without one, the more "normal" I feel. I now know that I will never be totally safe from my seizures like we originally thought I might be. However, as long as they are kept under control by medicine, we're okay. We're on track to getting back to a somewhat normal life. Well, as normal as you can get with something like this. Just a small speed bump, but definitely not a total road block. I can still go on with life, it's just a matter of getting all the ducks back in their row and we'll be set. I hope that things are going well for all of you. Love to all...

Why do I care?

Just to warn you, this will be more of a venting post rather than an update on me...
However, a very quick update on me, I have had a headache worse than normal the past few days. I'm to the point where I really don't care anymore. Apparently I'm supposed to have this freaking headache. That way people will be dumb and I won't be nice...
Now, onto the real reason why I am typing up a storm tonight... Why the heck do I have to be the way I am? Why do I have to care about people? I shouldn't. I should probably just give it up and quit caring. Then I wouldn't worry about them when they're being dingbats.
Someone I have become close to recently and for some reason they feel they need to punish themselves. I don't get why. STOP BEING DUMB!! Take care of the situation. You don't want me to worry? Then don't do what you're doing now. Stop being stubborn. Stop punishing yourself, and do what needs to be done. I don't know that I will be able to find pity in my heart later if you don't stop what you're doing now. That's all I can say... I had to get it out though. If you're reading this, and you pray, please pray for this person. They need it. They really need it.
Why can't I be one of those people who just doesn't care? For some insane reason I was cursed to be the person who once I get to know you, I'm going to worry about you(If I like you). If you're going through something and I know about it, you better believe I'm worrying about you... And praying for you. And doing my lovely stress thing. Which I'm sure isn't helping these awful headaches. I just want to be able to throw my hands up at the world and go "Sorry, I hate it for ya...", but I can't.
Although those who work with me probably think differently. I haven't been being a very nice person lately. Oh well. You'll live. Quit being dumb and I won't be mean.
Okay, so this one is short and sweet. But that's the gist of everything... By the way, my head is splitting open. Why me?!? GRR... :(

Becoming a burden...

In my twenty five years of life I have never felt like I was a burden on anyone... Until now. This is by no means brought on by comments of others, it is brought on by my always over-analyzing self. Those who know me best know that I tend to WAY over-think EVERYTHING.  It's what I do. I have no way of turning it off. I've tried. I just don't know how. It's sometimes a good thing though. I tend to randomly zone out, and when I do, I'm thinking. I'm always thinking. I also tend to stress cause of my thinking. A LOT.  I once had a massage therapist tell me I was too stressed to be my age. Sorry. If you can turn it off, please do. Don't give me information if you don't want me to worry about it.
Anyhow, back on the being a burden thing. I can't go take care of anything that needs to be taken care of on my own. I know I have talked about this before, but just bear with me. (I'll say it like I did in my first post, if you don't like it find the "X" in the corner. This is my blog.) If I need to grab something from the store, I have to either wait until Eric gets home (and this means he has worked 8+ hours in the icky sticky heat), or I have to find someone to take me. I can't just go "Oh, we need sugar, let me go get some..." or go grab a missing ingredient for dinner....  I can't run and take care of an errand, I can't take myself to the freaking doctor. I have to wait. Then I have to make whoever it is take time out of their day to sit in a doctor's office when they don't have to. In the case of my husband, it's taking time out of his off day(s) to do so. Right now, he's the person I want to go with me to said doctor so that he can explain my seizures cause he is the only person to have witnessed them. So I have officially become a burden on him. It's not fair. He didn't sign up for this. When he signed on, I was healthy, a little crazy, but healthy. Yeah, yeah... I know what those of you who are reading this are thinking... Part of his vows on our wedding day stated "In sickness and in health"... I will just say I did an eye roll to this. I feel guilty. Yes, that's it. Guilty. He didn't sign up to wake up with every move his wife made in her sleep afraid that she's having a seizure. He didn't sign up to have a wife that complains of a headache every damn day. He certainly didn't sign up to have a wife who most days would rather shoot herself in the foot than get up and cook him a decent dinner cause of said headache, though most days I make myself deal... The woman he signed up to be with took care of him... She loved cooking, not the clean-up of the cooking so much, but made sure he had food cooked. The woman he signed up to be with didn't have anger issues. I know, just control it, you say. I have two nice long extended middle fingers for those who say that.
Have you ever had a headache every single day for a month that NOTHING would help? Have you had to try to fight yourself on getting onto your two beautiful daughters who are doing nothing but normal playing cause you're head is killing you for more than one day at a time? Add to that not sleeping normally cause most nights you're laying there fighting the urge to move cause of some stupid tingling sensation, hoping, praying, that when you give in, you don't wake up a husband that has to work the next day. Even more fun is throwing into that mix a medicine that controls your seizures, or so you're told (I'm very seriously starting to think this tingling crap is some form of a seizure.), but makes you irritable. So most of the time you're fighting the urge to be mad over stupid crap in the first place, and when you finally do burst, it's worse than it should be. When you have all of the above circumstances going on and don't have anger issues, call me. I want to know how you do it. I have read in plenty of forums about this lovely Keppra and people on it having anger issues. At first I thought they were crazy, however now that I have been on this medicine for about a month, I see why. I don't know if any of them have any of the same issues as I'm having. But if you add enough stress to this crap, I can definitely see it. I don't see how there hasn't been some issue of someone going homicidal taking this crap... No, I don't plan to kill anyone. (Not yet anyway... TOTALLY JOKING THERE.)
At any rate, I know that dealing with everything on the other end of things has got to be frustrating. I wouldn't blame him if he walked away. Not a bit. Some of you I know are going "You waited patiently for two years after he signed up for the guard, are you nuts?" We got to discuss whether or not that was going to happen. This is something that he had no say in, no choice. I hate feeling the guilt that I do. Honey, if you read this, I hope you know that I love you more than words can or ever would possibly be able to say. You deserve so much more.
Then we have my poor mother who has her own things she has to deal with who takes time out of her day to  take me back and forth to work since Eric is working during these times. If you're reading this, I hope that you know I appreciate it more than you know. Plus she has taken my happy butt thirty minutes away and sat at one doctor's office with me, and that was apparently a huge flipping waste of time. That doctor is not worth the gas we used to drive to see her. Grr... And she had a part in babysitting me my first weekend on this wonderful medicine when I was dead to the world... AKA she watched the babies for us since Eric was at drill and I slept the majority of the time...
Speaking of that weekend, I must also take the time to thank my mother-in-law... First and foremost for not killing my husband in his teenage years so that I now have the wonderful husband I do taking care of me today... And secondly for babysitting my hiney while my mom had to work that weekend.
I also thank each and every one of you who have taken the time to listen to me whine about all this crap personally, or even by reading this blog...
You see? I have slowly become a burden on so many people. I hate feeling that way. It's a horrible feeling, and I wish my brain would quit overthinking this crap like it does... I know that this blog is a lot of horrible blah jumble, but it's what's going on in my head and I have to get it out. Maybe getting it out will get my mind to stop tossing it around up there, and in turn, ease the headache... It's been pretty bad the past few days. Hoping that I find the umph to get it together, I've got work tomorrow, and me working Thursday feeling like this didn't really go so well.
Hope that things on your end of the world are going better than mine. Love to all....

Normalcy...

Okay, so I think the most difficult part of this is not having anything really normal anymore... If I want to go somewhere, I have to wait until it is convenient for someone else to be able to take me. The girls and I can't be sitting at home and randomly go "Let's go to Hobby Lobby!" We LOVE Hobby Lobby. We don't even have to spend money when we're there (though most of the time they either talk me into something or I find a deal I can't pass up). Do you wanna know how long it's been since we went to Hobby Lobby? We can't be sitting here and go "Oh it's pretty, let's go to the park!" Do you know how hard it is to have a car in running order sitting outside, keys sitting right here, but still know that you can't just go to go? I know, I have to worry about the possibility of having a seizure while driving... What if I do and have a wreck? What if I hurt someone else? Or worse, what if I kill someone else? Even worse, what if it were one of my girls that I harmed/killed? What if I wound up dead myself and left my young daughters without their mother? (So yes, I know all the possibilities. Believe me.) All of those far outweigh the convenience of me driving. In Alabama, the law is 6 months seizure-free before driving, but if the hospital didn't report it, guess what? I technically still have a license. And for some odd reason I sincerely doubt they reported it. Once again, I have no intentions of driving... Even if my logical brain is saying "Niki, you haven't had a seizure during the day. If you drive during the day, you're good." Bad logical brain. No treat for you. Some states require that you are seizure free for 18 months before you drive (once again, if it's reported... I honestly wonder how many cases go unreported...) Honestly, no matter how frustrating this circumstance is, I think that once I'm able to drive, I might be scared... What happens if my body builds a tolerance to the medicine and I have a break through seizure? It happens ALL the time... How they can ever expect someone who has seizures to relax is beyond me. 

Want to know what else isn't normal? Having to explain to a four year old that if they find Mommy laying in the floor doing something funny that they need to either a) dial 911, or b) go next door and get the neighbor. In the process you also teach her that you have to push the emergency dialer button (I have to keep my phone locked or between my two daughters, they'd be texting everyone under the sun random "alkjahgeiheklhant" messages), dial 911, then press the green button...

Add to this the fact that if you're at home, you have people checking on you regularly. (Once again, I understand the concept, my husband is at work, I'm alone with a three year old and a four year old, you want to check on me. I'm fine with that.) My problem with it is that I feel almost stripped of my independence. I am so very thankful for all of you that care about me, don't get me wrong. However, when you're looking for something normal, this doesn't exactly fit the bill.

Then there's my "normal" me. I put normal in quotation marks cause those of you who know me best would be going "She thinks she's normal? I know what's wrong with her. She's already lost her mind..." So I say normal for me. Anyhow, I stated in my last post that I'm now having anger issues. Plus, having a headache every single day is far from normal. Not to mention, I'm a person that normally enjoys cooking. I do have days where I don't want to cook, but it's gotten to where it's more often than not that I'd rather take a beating as to cook. That's not normal for me. 

I also have this lovely thing where I have been looking forward to the fact that I was going to finally get my butt back in school this fall that has gone down the drain. Yes, I chose to put it off. I put it off cause in the long run, the positives of putting it off outweigh the negative. So I have to deal with it. I don't really have any other choice. It's okay though, it's just a little tougher right now when everyone is talking about back to school time. Once we get a little further into things, it won't be quite so difficult. Right now, however it sucks!

I am going to be honest right now. I do not like my job. Shocker, right? (For those of you who work with me that read this, especially my managers, it has nothing to do with you, I love you guys.... Most of you... Ha, ha) Chopping veggies and stocking the salad bar is just not my dream job. Don't hold it against me... I still suck it up and go to work. My dear hubby has offered to let me quit. Why not quit you ask? My job is the last piece of normal that I have left. Yes, I have people ask me how I'm feeling and watch me a little more closely than before, but for the most part, unless I act funny, I get treated no differently than I did a month and a half ago. That is why I hold onto it. When so many things aren't normal for you in life, you cling to the few things that are...

I will stop babbling now, after a quick update. Yes, I have a headache today. No tingles today though! Yay! The headache is more than just annoying, but I'm dealing. Hopefully within 48 hours, I will at least have a referral to a solution for these issues though. Love to all...

Raging Tingles

Okay, so I have this issue where I get a tingling sensation in either my arm/leg or both. Sometimes it's a slight tingle, but most of the time it's this tingle where if I don't move my arm, it drives me INSANE. For the most part it happens at night. I used to have it happen mostly in my leg(s) before I had Aubrey, and thought it was restless leg syndrome, or something of the sort. However, the more I do my homework on things, the more I think that it might somehow be related to my seizures, possibly being seizures themselves... Anyhow, recently it has been only my left arm that does it. You know the tingle that you get when your arm or leg falls asleep? Multiply that by at least a hundred and change the don't move it so it's not so bad to "If you don't move it, it's going to fall off or explode or both"... This is what I feel when this happens. It starts in either my fingers or my shoulders, then slowly creeps either down or up and engulfs my entire arm. Try falling asleep with that going on. Better yet, try laying still so that your husband who is having trouble sleeping cause of your recent episodes doesn't wake up. Poor hubby wakes at every little movement from my end of the bed. Lots of nights recently have been spent on my couch thanks to the tingles. And no, I won't send Eric to the couch. He works like a million more hours than I do, and even wants me to quit working so that I don't have that stress. Therefore, I refuse to send him to the couch. I feel it's my fault that he can't sleep if I move anyways. I know that I can't control the seizures, but still.
So last night was one of those couch nights. This morning, it felt like my arm had a seizure by itself and didn't include the rest of me. At work today, my arm started doing its tingling thing. Wanna know how hard it is to carry stuff with your arm tingling like that? Cause my left arm is my carry-stuff-to-the-salad-bar arm. Then my ears started kinda burning and I felt almost nauseous and funny in general. No, I didn't fall out. I kept on truckin'. I'm good. Although I'm still feeling a little tingling in the arm.
Do I still have a headache? Of course I do. Today has been one of those days where it goes from not so bad to "please just make it stop".
Although this stuff isn't what concerns me the most. It's my "irritability". I have zero patience. I'm normally a very patient person. I now have none. I know what you're saying, having a headache for this long will do that to you... My medicine does it, too. Which is not a good thing. I'm going to have to do something with at least one of the two soon. Wish me luck on all of this, the tingles, the irritability, and the headache. Right now the most important, I think, is the tingle.