Normalcy...

Okay, so I think the most difficult part of this is not having anything really normal anymore... If I want to go somewhere, I have to wait until it is convenient for someone else to be able to take me. The girls and I can't be sitting at home and randomly go "Let's go to Hobby Lobby!" We LOVE Hobby Lobby. We don't even have to spend money when we're there (though most of the time they either talk me into something or I find a deal I can't pass up). Do you wanna know how long it's been since we went to Hobby Lobby? We can't be sitting here and go "Oh it's pretty, let's go to the park!" Do you know how hard it is to have a car in running order sitting outside, keys sitting right here, but still know that you can't just go to go? I know, I have to worry about the possibility of having a seizure while driving... What if I do and have a wreck? What if I hurt someone else? Or worse, what if I kill someone else? Even worse, what if it were one of my girls that I harmed/killed? What if I wound up dead myself and left my young daughters without their mother? (So yes, I know all the possibilities. Believe me.) All of those far outweigh the convenience of me driving. In Alabama, the law is 6 months seizure-free before driving, but if the hospital didn't report it, guess what? I technically still have a license. And for some odd reason I sincerely doubt they reported it. Once again, I have no intentions of driving... Even if my logical brain is saying "Niki, you haven't had a seizure during the day. If you drive during the day, you're good." Bad logical brain. No treat for you. Some states require that you are seizure free for 18 months before you drive (once again, if it's reported... I honestly wonder how many cases go unreported...) Honestly, no matter how frustrating this circumstance is, I think that once I'm able to drive, I might be scared... What happens if my body builds a tolerance to the medicine and I have a break through seizure? It happens ALL the time... How they can ever expect someone who has seizures to relax is beyond me. 

Want to know what else isn't normal? Having to explain to a four year old that if they find Mommy laying in the floor doing something funny that they need to either a) dial 911, or b) go next door and get the neighbor. In the process you also teach her that you have to push the emergency dialer button (I have to keep my phone locked or between my two daughters, they'd be texting everyone under the sun random "alkjahgeiheklhant" messages), dial 911, then press the green button...

Add to this the fact that if you're at home, you have people checking on you regularly. (Once again, I understand the concept, my husband is at work, I'm alone with a three year old and a four year old, you want to check on me. I'm fine with that.) My problem with it is that I feel almost stripped of my independence. I am so very thankful for all of you that care about me, don't get me wrong. However, when you're looking for something normal, this doesn't exactly fit the bill.

Then there's my "normal" me. I put normal in quotation marks cause those of you who know me best would be going "She thinks she's normal? I know what's wrong with her. She's already lost her mind..." So I say normal for me. Anyhow, I stated in my last post that I'm now having anger issues. Plus, having a headache every single day is far from normal. Not to mention, I'm a person that normally enjoys cooking. I do have days where I don't want to cook, but it's gotten to where it's more often than not that I'd rather take a beating as to cook. That's not normal for me. 

I also have this lovely thing where I have been looking forward to the fact that I was going to finally get my butt back in school this fall that has gone down the drain. Yes, I chose to put it off. I put it off cause in the long run, the positives of putting it off outweigh the negative. So I have to deal with it. I don't really have any other choice. It's okay though, it's just a little tougher right now when everyone is talking about back to school time. Once we get a little further into things, it won't be quite so difficult. Right now, however it sucks!

I am going to be honest right now. I do not like my job. Shocker, right? (For those of you who work with me that read this, especially my managers, it has nothing to do with you, I love you guys.... Most of you... Ha, ha) Chopping veggies and stocking the salad bar is just not my dream job. Don't hold it against me... I still suck it up and go to work. My dear hubby has offered to let me quit. Why not quit you ask? My job is the last piece of normal that I have left. Yes, I have people ask me how I'm feeling and watch me a little more closely than before, but for the most part, unless I act funny, I get treated no differently than I did a month and a half ago. That is why I hold onto it. When so many things aren't normal for you in life, you cling to the few things that are...

I will stop babbling now, after a quick update. Yes, I have a headache today. No tingles today though! Yay! The headache is more than just annoying, but I'm dealing. Hopefully within 48 hours, I will at least have a referral to a solution for these issues though. Love to all...